Clarion Content

Wry comments from Uncle Yossi

Automated answering services...

for
the ISRAELI GOVERNMENT

Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli government. Congratulations on having a telephone. If you are calling for the Likud Party, press 1-9-7-7. If you are calling for the Labor Party, press 1-9-9-3. If you are calling for one of the religious parties, remember they do not answer on the Sabbath, and don't make sense anyway. If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press 1-9-6-7. If you are in favor of retaining all of the territories, press 1000 B-C-E. If you wish to speak to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.

for
the BOARD OF RABBIS

"Hello. You have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 1. If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2. If you are Reform, press any button you like. If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons. Please hold while I transfer your call."

(1) Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah.
(2) Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been helpful.
(3) Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to say?
(4) Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionist rabbi. The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question, please hang up now.

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