Clarion Content

You may, dear readers, remember this author and Clarion Content guest columnist, one of Durham's own, from his on-going work of meta-fiction. The hilarious and wildly popular, The Unauthorized Autobiography of G.Ia.M'Rock. Read the old chapters here. Today he brings you a piece in the manner of practical advice. Listen up, fellas.

There may be exaggerations in this article. There, I've warned you. Every man needs certain, specific and different items to speed him on his way through life. And while I might cast all of these items as 'must-haves,' obviously the need is less for anyone living in a city where a car is not a constant companion. My readers in New York, DC, Chicago, and Boston may heartily disregard this advice, and know that they are in situations where the needs of a given moment are not constrained by either their reliance on a car, or the possibility of being stranded without any more supplies that might be ready to hand.

That being said, I do think that the contents of the glove box of any vehicle, for a man who relies on his car, ought to be carefully considered, and thoughtfully arranged. For your average man, living in your average city (and I consider my current hometown of Durham, NC, population~200K to be an average city,) a car is not only an indispensable tool, but also a source of refuge. It gets you to work. It is helpful getting the groceries home. It saves you the cost of a cab most places you wish to go. And it occasionally serves as a comfortable sleeping place when you've had enough to drink, and have spent the contents of your wallet such that the aforementioned cab is not necessarily possible.

So let me begin with suggesting that you look into your glove compartment. You'll likely see a few cigarette butts, McDonald's wrappers and some ketchup packets. The leatherbound folder containing the user's manual and a three year old copy of an insurance verification. Oh, yes, plus that copy of a map detailing a portion of the country that you once visited back in 1998, and would never go back to again. Perhaps, if you think you're witty, there will be a glove. When you break down in the middle of the highway hours away from home, your cellphone out of juice, you're screwed. It really doesn't need to be that way. Empty out that little trash midden and replace your little 1'x1'x6" box with some lifesaving materials.

1) A copy of your license, registration, and proof of insurance. Even if you keep your license in your wallet, which is always in your back pocket, there's going to be that one time where you forget your wallet. Perhaps while driving to the store to pick up a bottle of champagne to make mimosas for some lady you're attempting to impress the morning after some disappointing sex. If you can't get a legal second license in your state (North Carolina being one of those,) a photostat of the same will give the officer at that 6AM checkpoint enough information that he can run your records and perhaps let you off with a warning. If a friend borrows your car, it's always good for him to find a little folder with these items on top, just on the off chance he runs a red light, so that he doesn't wind up on jail for lack of proof of insurance. And if you leave your car in the wrong place, many states will require copies of all three of these in order to get your car out of impound. It's always easier to ask for access to your car than to have to rush back home to find a secondary copy.

2) A flashlight. This doesn't need to be a four-foot Maglite suited for bashing the brains of a bear. Find a little six inch flashlight at any convenience store, throw a couple of AA batteries in it, and forget about it. When you get a flat tire at 2AM, it's significantly easier to change your tire when you can see what you're getting at. Similarly, any time you need something else in the glovebox or your car, it's always fantastic to have a little flashlight around to shed a little light on the subject. That jerk you see next to you in the parking lot with his ass hanging out of the car, scraping around for a quarter to feed the meter? He didn't put a flashlight in his glovebox.

3) A tire gauge and a rag. If you own a car, you need to have these two things. Might as well have them in a convenient location. Every time you fill up your gas tank, go around all four tires and make sure they're filled to the proper pressure. Then go check your oil dipstick. Doing these two things will extend the life of your vehicle, as well as increase your gas mileage, which is why I tie them into filling up my car. The total cost of the pair, at the local Autozone, is $.84. The cost of a new set of tires, or a new engine, significantly more. This is one of those seemingly silly little things your Dad told you to do when you bought your first car that is totally worth it. Taking your car out for a long trip to 'blow out the crud on the plugs' is not. If you don't know how to check your tire pressure or your oil with these two items, call Dad. He missed a few things in your 'being a man' talk.

4) A Swiss Army Knife. This doesn't have to be a branded: Wegner or Victorinox. I'm just talking about any multitool utility knife: SAK, Leatherman, or otherwise. When you forget to pack a corkscrew for a picnic, having one of these in the glovebox changes a day without wine into a two minute inconvenience. Bought a new CD and want to listen to it on the ride home? The gentleman with a knife in the car is on his way in seconds, while the schlub without spends ten minutes and gains a chipped tooth opening up the package. The one I keep in my glove compartment was a Employee Appreciation gift from a past job, and includes a little flashlight on the end, completing requirement 2 above. If someone breaks into my car and steals it, I'm out about $5 at the local gas station to get a new one. Multiple tools will solve multiple problems, any day.

5) A Map of your Hometown. Even if you've lived there all your life, I promise that there's at least one street that you don't know the location of. And, at some point, that street is going to be the location of a happening party. Toss this item in the very back of the glove compartment, and forget about it. One day, you're going to be in some strange part of town and desperate to know the fastest route to the highway. You're saved!

6) Beef Jerky. Everyone takes a road trip once in a while. If you haven't, get out and live more. When you do, there's likely to be some time where you're a little bit hungry, but there's no reason to stop for gas (and the ensuing fast food stop.) Keeping some food in your glove compartment will keep you from having to pull over for a while. I recommend jerky because it keeps forever, and while it might get a little bit less delectable, it stays edible for years at a time. If, for some reason, you get completely stranded, having a small amount of food on you can be the difference between sanely staying where you are and a death-hike into the wilderness. Now, if you're a vegetarian, or just hate jerky, let me suggest sunflower seeds instead. Or perhaps salted peanuts. Proteins will fill you up much faster and longer than any other sort of food. If you've got some high-carb, high-fat Cheetos in the car, you'll be hungry in an hour even if your body can absorb just as many calories from them. Proteins will keep your stomach satiated for up to five times as long.

6) A three-pack of condoms. So you've had an enjoyable night with a young lady. You make your way to her house, but as you pull up in the driveway, you realize that you haven't packed any rubbers. You can either go with that one you've kept in your wallet (and your butt-heat has reduced the effectiveness of) or you can just chastely kiss her on the cheek goodnight. Ah-ha! Joy! You recall that you've kept some high quality (don't count on those Lifestyles you got from Planned Parenthood, get some Trojans, lad) condoms in the car.

7) A $20 bill. Cash is king. Even if your situation is dire, i.e. you're broke, you should be able to throw together $20, and that's a fine nugget to be stocked away for future risks. $20 can buy you a pint of oil, a few gallons of gas, or perhaps pay off a bouncer getting you into that club, without having to find a cash machine. An ATM card, these days, will get you most places. In case of emergency, an Andrew Jackson will get you into the rest.

You might find, after stocking your glove compartment with the aforementioned items, that you've got some extra room. And, definitely, there's some other things that may be helpful in an emergency that you'd love to have in your car. Just remember that the more you put into any given place, the more difficult it will be to find the right things in an emergency. So keep the blanket (useful for keeping warm, or providing traction in ice), flares (useful for signaling for help or for the Fourth of July) and the tire iron (useful for getting your wheels off or for beating in the head of an obnoxious motorist) in the trunk. The glove compartment is devised for those items which are both small and useful in many situations.

Labels: Guest columns, Practical Advice