Clarion Content

Ostensibly these are the winners of an International Pun Contest (unedited). They hold those? Really?


This man represents the average age of people who found these funny.

9. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess
looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.

8. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,
‘Dam!’

7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it, too.

6. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other
says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

4. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

2. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of god, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

1. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Oy vey!